crandc

OK, I am in the target group. I agree she sounds choppy. I don't think she sounds bossy or overbearing. I don't think she needs to tear up. Maybe the 'thanks Mom' could be a little warmer, she sounds like she's reading a script - which she probably is, but should not sound like it. Tearing up would be excessive.

I also noticed how white everyone is. Bad syntax and James Brown are not what would attract Black customers, maybe just marketing (church groups, for example).

I could suggest you might refer to occasions. I don't know how much time you have, but you could say, for example, this was the cake for my 10-year-old's birthday, this is the pumpkin pie we always have at Thanksgiving. That sort of thing. Makes the examples specific, not just "my cookies".

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