[xray]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[xray]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[xray]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[xray]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[xray]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[xray]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[xray]

funny

[xray]

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage and Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[edwardcyh]

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT ***** SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

[xray]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair,
giving that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde
and is a professional boxer.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[xray]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator boots in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of boots at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

The blonde turned and headed for the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her with lightning speed. She takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one is barefoot, too!"

[xray]

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded.
The doctor decides to get all the patients
Seated in one large room to conduct a test
To see how many they discharge that day.

At the front of the room the Doctors took
Some chalk and drew a full size door on a
Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any
Patient who could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the
Patients scratching an clawing at the door
And the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they
Noticed a single patient who remained in his
Chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he
Watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least 1 patient could be
Discharged today, the doctors asked him why
He wasn't trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter,
Shouted "I've got the key!!!"

[xray]

Longest sentence I've seen on bbb.net:

http://www.basketballforum.com/showp...7&postcount=13

No punctuation anywhere.