[edwardcyh]

The Last Word

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"





The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

[edwardcyh]

Oklahoma Fan

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas *******s."

[xray]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees
a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then
he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer."
The cop says, "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
sweater."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at
night in Lover's Lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in
11 minutes."

[edwardcyh]

Afraid Of The Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[edwardcyh]

Long Tail

A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we're not having any of that **** in Wisconsin!!

[edwardcyh]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And
since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The
delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass,
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born
a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and
the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The
Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped
and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of
holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and
chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a
catfish.

[edwardcyh]

Seeing Trees

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[edwardcyh]

Tell Santa

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[edwardcyh]

Hypothetic And Realistic

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said,
"She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a ***!

[edwardcyh]

Ugly woman from wal-mart

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[xray]

THE YEAR'S BEST . . .(actual) HEADLINES OF 2006: The year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!



Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Whaaat??


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

You think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Taste like chicken?



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!



And the winner is....



Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?

[edwardcyh]

Originally Posted by xray

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Whaaat??