[edwardcyh]

Overcrowded Heaven

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when
they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately,
heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for
admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was
sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The
Titanic." " Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?" The thief
replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer
is 1500 people." And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

[edwardcyh]

"Leonardo DiCaprio" is on the list of victims, right?

[xray]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret, and the Nun once again said,

"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[xray]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van ****

[edwardcyh]

Originally Posted by xray

Dick van ****

Sounds like a true story.... LOL

[edwardcyh]

Old MacDonald

Two redneck college football players were taking an important final exam. If
they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in
the State game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last
question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no
idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure
he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He
looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to
Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and
started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's
shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

[xray]

Different spin on an old joke:

Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was:

The first blonde said, Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. St. Peter said, nooooo, and he turned her away.

The second blonde said, Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts. St. Peter said, nooooo and he turns her away.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, okay, so, tell me. She says, Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover and Jesus was having a Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on a cross and eventually he died and they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder……

St. Peter says, very, very, good!

Instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues. Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.

[edwardcyh]

I think Jesus sees his shadow this year.

[xray]

Originally Posted by edwardcyh

I think Jesus sees his shadow this year.

That's what I was thinking...I think Easter is a Dallas holiday.

[edwardcyh]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[edwardcyh]

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer, each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.

[xray]

A little long, but funny:

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m going to stay right here!” The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blond bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here!”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the dumb blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says “You say she is blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says “Oh, I’m sorry,” gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy Section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Houston.”