[xray]

Whoops!!!

[xray]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert.
After getting their tent set up, both men fall sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole tent."

[edwardcyh]

Ok.... I didn't expect that.

It was building up to be one of those "brokeback mountain" jokes with cowboys pitching tents in the wild.

[edwardcyh]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[edwardcyh]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His Father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house Is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
“There's no way we can afford It."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front Door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you Telling Mom you were pulling out, Then I heard her tell you to wait Because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[edwardcyh]

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife
and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into
the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

[edwardcyh]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.
____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

[Jacoby_Ellsbury]

*** Considered racially insensitive ****

[xray]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In
this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places
about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '."

[edwardcyh]

REMEMBER THIS: "If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off."

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[edwardcyh]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the
doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on -
the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's
like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried
with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She -
tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She -
even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out,
and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with
both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man
replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar
open!"

[xray]

Why did the Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?