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Old 08-23-2012, 05:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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First two months in L.A. Insanity!

Sup.

So I haven't posted here in a good (bad) while, and while most of you could care less, since I'm a pretty vain guy and like to imagine that everybody is like, "OMG WHERE IS PAYTON!!!!!?!?!?!?!", I will continue to maintain that delusion.

I moved to L.A., as I have told a few of you I would, back in June. Late June. I want to say it was the 23rd. Which makes this the two month mark.

It's been a crazy two months.

First night I drove in, I got here with my cousin. I already had a place lined up for 375 a month (shared living). I get in, and call the lady, and that was off the table. She found somebody else, even though we had already agreed to everything. So the first two nights, I sleep in my car.

The third day, I find a listing on Craigslist for a place right near the hills (Hollywood) for 400 on a shared living (sublet). Okay, cool. I go check it out.

Meet this French dude named Cyrille. I'm going with real names here, because **** this guy. His name is Cyrille M a n s u y. Google him, you won't find shit. Why do I mention that? I'll get to that in a moment...

This guy, right off the boat, is certifiably nuts. I notice that. I know what I'm getting into, but I've dealt with crazies in the past and so I'm like...**** it. Nice location, cheap place, plus all the other roommates are cool people. Okay.

First thing I notice about dude is he's a COMPULSIVE liar. The worst I've ever met, and I have good friends who lie about shit (hooking up with girls, etc.) but not in this level. Here are some of his stories. Mind you I've never confirmed that these stories are, in fact, false, but come on...wait until you hear them...

- He hates Leonardo DiCaprio. Back in the early 90's (when, as he puts it, DiCaprio was a nobody), DiCaprio was in Paris and trying to get into a nightclub but the bouncers weren't letting him in. Cyrille was cool with Leo because they had shot a movie together (Total Eclipse, I believe it's called. It's that one with Tobey Maguire. Cyrille was only an extra, though. Or so he says...). Cyrille was cool with the bouncers and was able to get Leo into the club. They had a good time. They ****ed models/actreses. Leo was always jealous because Cyrille got all the better women. I know, I know. Leo starts having some success, and as Cyrille puts it, starts taking his bitterness out on Cyrille for not getting all these hot women pre-fame. Whatever. They have a falling out. Leo goes onto stardom. Cyrille, well...

- He hates Jean Claude Van Damme. He was at a club where Van Damme was trying to get with Laura Harring. Laura Harring is the actress in Mulholland Drive, with Naomi Watts. She plays her love interest. She's pretty hot. Laura Harring is obsessed with Cyrille, even to this day. She's (apparently) all plastic now having done so much surgery. That may or may not be true. Anyway, she stalks him and is in love with him. He's mentioned numerous times how she has chased him down the street. She also is conspiring to sabotage Cyrille's acting career, because as he puts it, since she can't have Cyrille, she's going to destroy his chance of making it in Hollywood. Back to Van Damme...Cyrille and Laura were ****ing back in the day. They went to a club together. Van Damme was there. He tried getting on Laura. Cyrille and Van Damme got into a heated argument and Van Damme told his men to beat up Cyrille. Cyrille insulted Van Damme saying that he should do it himself since he's an "action star". He hates Van Damme.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Governor of California, tried to have Cyrille killed. He never elaborated on this story. That's all I know. Arnold tried to have Cyrille killed.

- Mickey Rourke and Sean Penn are cool. They like Cyrille. He was at a club where they were trying to kick him out, and Mickey Rourke and Penn both convinced the people to let Cyrille stay, and sat and drank with him.

- Cyrille had a fling with Cameron Diaz. Another story he never elaborated on, but he had a fling with her.

- Halle Berry hates Cyrille. He blew her off on a date, before she was famous. No elaboration on why he blew her off or why she would still remember this, but he did and she hates him for it.

- He hates Naomi Watts. Naomi Watts is friends with Laura Harring, the actress I mentioned earlier, and everytime she sees Cyrille out on the street, she calls Laura and notifies Laura of his whereabouts.

- 2004 was supposed to be Cyrille's "year". He was, as he puts it, an up and coming name in Hollywood. He was going to be THE big french actor to make it in LA. But...this was during the middle of the Iraqi War, the French didn't support the Americans, and nobody in Hollywood wanted to put him in their films because it would be a "bad look". That ruined him.

- He's been trying to make his comeback since, but DiCaprio and Laura Harring keep sabotaging him every chance he gets. They're out to get him.

- He hates Jean DeJuardin. The french actor who won the Oscar last year for The Artist. Has he ever met him? No. But Jean DuJuardin has won the Oscar, he's the new "IT" actor in France, and he's going to be in a movie with Scorsese and DiCaprio, and as Cyrille puts it, "The guy can't even speak English. He won an Oscar for not talking." Cyrille claims DiCaprio put Jean in his film to rub it in Cyrille's face. Not because he's fresh off an Oscar win, just to rub it in Cyrille's face.

- He was going to have a Cabinet position in French President Nicolas Sarkozy's office, but then Sarkozy didn't get re-elected, and that never came to fruition.

As I mentioned before, Google the name Cyrille M a n s u y. You won't find anything. This guy is a nobody, but apparently he's lead a life that would make Forrest Gump jealous.

- He traveled throughout Europe and has lived in numerous countries. That I believe. Here's where it gets fun...the, I believe it was Romanian, Mafia was trying to kill him whilst in Romania. Why? I don't know. No elaboration. But he escaped there with only the clothes on his back and his little dog. Nothing on what happened to the dog. He loves Thailand. He can go there and get cheap prostitutes. He used to lay with three or more a night. All underage. My reaction? "That's wrong, Cryille." His response? "No, but it's legal there!" I have no idea if that's true (that it's legal there).

Okay...so back to present day.

I've been dealing with his antics the past few months and just sort of laughing it off. I don't take him too seriously, he's crazy, but he seems harmless. Days go on like normal, except for two things.

Cryille keeps upping the number of people living at the house. When I had arrived in late June, it was four of us. Then five. Then six. We're concerned that it isn't allowed. Cryille: "I'm friends with the landlord, it's fine."

The other thing, Cyrille brings a dog one day. Nobody is happy with this. We tell him so. Dogs are not allowed. He insists. "I'm good friends with the landlord. It's alright."

Fun sidenote: One day I drive him to an audition. He gets there and I watch as he reads for the part. He does awful. He probably lost his shot during the reading alone, but it gets better. After the audition we bullshit with the directors a bit. They seem like cool guys. Cyrille starts talking about his Van Damme story and how he's an asshole and goes on a Van Damme rant. I sit there with embarassment-by-association.

Anyway, early August things get fun. One of my roommates doesn't have the money to pay at the beginning of the month because of an issue that arises which I don't think needs to be mentioned. Cyrille is cool about this and understands. They negotiate that he'll pay at the middle of the month (August 15th). Cyrille makes sure we're all cool with this because we all paid on time (the 1st). We are. The consensus: "That's between you and him. As long as we're square you can negotiate your payments with him however you want. None of our business." Simple enough.

The days start going by, and Cyrille become erratically different in his behavior and position in allowing our roommate two more weeks. By, I want to say...the 12th or 13th, Cyrille is trying to convince all of us that he needs to move another roommate into the house (we had six living there at the time, with another it would be seven), and tries to pin the blame on our roommate who is late with his payment. Our roommate approaches Cyrille and says, "Don't try to pin everybody against me Cyrille. We had an agreement." Cyrille tries talking to all of us individually trying to say it isn't fair to us that our roomie isn't paying on time. Everybody says the same thing: "That's between you and him. Not us." This angers Cyrille.

By the 15th, Cyrille has it dead set in his mind that he's going to call the cops and kick our roommate out. He tells us all this. We shrug it off. Why? Cyrille has threatened to kick us all out in the past. In the two months I've lived there, we've all been threatened to be kicked out probably four times. They are empty threats. We realize Cyrille needs the rent money we give him, since he doesn't seem to get any paying gigs/work. We figure this to be an empty threat as well. At nighttime, me and another roomie get to the house and see our OTHER roomie's (the one who hasn't paid) stuff all out in the front of the street in boxes, right outside our building. We see Cyrille come out with another box. This is on the 15th, mind you, the day that Cyrille was supposed to get payment.

Wanting nothing to do with it, but understanding that it's uncool to throw a guys stuff outside, we both turn around and head to this cafe where our roommate frequents. He isn't there. I call him.

"Hey man, what are you doing?"

"Nothing just doing some work up here, what's up?"

"I'm just calling to let you know that Cyrille has thrown all of your shit out on the street."

"For real?"

"Yep."

"Alright, thanks man. I'm on my way there right now."

My roommate is a big guy. A tough guy. A black guy. I bring up black for a reason. Cyrille has said racist shit to him in the past during an argument, so we sort of know how he thinks. One time during an argument, Cryille mentioned to him that, "This isn't the ghetto." Okay...

My roommmate gets to the place, sees his stuff outside. He rushes up the stairs (our place is on the second floor). At the top of the steps, already waiting, Cyrille is holding a mother****ing samurai sword. He tells my roommie that one cut can kill him. My roommate stops in his tracks, and plays on the "black stereotype". He tells Cyrille that he's going back downstairs to his buddy's car to get his gun (he doesn't own a gun, nor does his buddy). Cyrille believes it. My roommie starts pretending to walk back down the stairs, and Cyrille let's his guard down and starts heading back into the apartment, presumably for cover. My roomie charges up the stairs and goes to tackle Cyrille. Cyrille is caught by surprise but manages to swing the sword on my roomie's arm. Thankfully, the worst my roomie gets is a deep bruise. No serious cut or gash. The rest of the confrontation is one sided. My roomie tackles him, takes the sword away, and beats him up and keeps him pinned to the ground until the cops arrive (he called the cops himself).

They come, and Cyrille and him both go downstairs, each telling their side of the story. Cyrille brings up the money situation, the cops don't seem interested. They're fixed on the samurai sword.

"He owes me 400."

"You don't understand. We're here because you intended to harm him with a samurai sword. We don't care about the money situation."

Cyrille gets arrested. My roomie shows the cops 400 dollars that he pulls out from his pocket. "I was planning on paying him today, as we agreed."

Cyrille gets charged with Assault with a deadly weapon. This is where things get fun.

One of my roomie's goes through his shit.

He finds the following:

- A police report from February where Cyrille claims that one of his former roommates had tried to poison his Orange Juice and was trying to "sabotage" him (his favorite word).

- His passport, with his last available Visa stamp from Dec. 15, 2011. He had been here illegally.

- His screenplay. Hilarious. In a made up format/structure that has never been seen and written in abstract and scattered thought.

On the following Monday, we contact the courthouse to see what the situation is with Cyrille's case (since it's public information). We learn that he's got no bail. "May we ask why?" "Illegal entry into the country." So the Visa stamp didn't even apply. He came illegally. On Tuesday we were notified that he was headed to Immigration. We'll probably never see him again.

That same day, we meet the landlord. He knocks on our door, looking concerned as ****.

"There isn't a dog allowed here."

We're level headed enough not to respond with, "But Cyrille said..." so we tell him that we found the dog lost and we're looking for a no-kill shelter to take the dog (we ended up finding one), he's satisfied with this.

Second thing: "How many people live here?"

"Six."

"That's not allowed."

He goes on a tirade about Cyrille. The landlord, his apparent friend, never allowed more than one or two people per place. He also never allowed the dog.

We find the lease that Cyrille had with the owner. It stipulates no pets. On the side, in different handwriting, the no pets part is crossed off and replaced with "one dog" in ink. LMAO.

Another part says, no subletting. This too, is crossed out. LOL.

The landlord also mentions that Cyrille's first check that he gave him bounced, and that he should have never taken the guy in.

Nevertheless, we're staying out the end of this month and looking for another place in the meanntime.

Just wanted to tell you about the crazy-as-**** two months I've had here in L.A.

Oh, and a sidenote: I like it here, but this city is dirty as ****, and I'm not talking about the smog. You guys here pollute so ****ing much. It's filthy.

And nobody cleans up their dogshit. It's disgusting. It's really a dirty ****ing city. But again, I like it.

Hope everything is going good with everybody.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

I got to the "June. Late June. I want to say June 23rd. Maybe June 22nd. You know, I remember it was a very sunny day, with some strange and unique clouds out. The weather man had said......" then I scrolled down to see how long the whole post was.


Its way to ****ing long.


I'm going to hot tub. I'm going to Big Brother. And I'm going to drink. When I come back from that, mayhaps I'll read this. If I do, I'll tell you in advance, you better not be wasting my ****ing time.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:30 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

Meh. Hot tub has 17 more F's to climb before I take my climb.


I'll read your stupid post now.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

I know, I know.

It's not necessarily worth it, but **** it...eh? Eh? Eh?

Waste your time reading about my pointless life, just because...

That's my pitch.

Oh, and I love you.

That's my closer.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

Too bad he got kicked out. Halfway through the post I was thinking "I should move down there for a month to practice my Big Brother Canada game."

Also, yes, LA is ****ing filthy. Like disgusting. When I hear people talking about how awesome LA is, I laugh my ass off. Some awesome buildings and nice scenery, overpowered by garbage everywhere and weird citizens.


As far as this French dude, I've met a few people like him. Much easier to live in a fantasy land you make up in your head, then deal with the reality of being a nobody with no future and no past success to point to.


I hope you're there planning on doing something better than living in a mad house with 6 other dudes. Shits crazy.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

Hopefully future tales are as entertaining.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

I was writing up a tweet to Decaprio and Laura Harring to tell them to get off Cyrille's dick and quit sabotaging his shit, but neither have a real twitter.


****ing shame.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

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I hope you're there planning on doing something better than living in a mad house with 6 other dudes. Shits crazy.
Yup, yup.

I'll talk about that at some point in the future. I don't want to mention anything until things get moving for sure. We'll see how that goes.

Hopefully one day I can bring that topic up with absolute satisfaction.

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Hopefully future tales are as entertaining.
Right? All things aside, it's been interesting.

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I was writing up a tweet to Decaprio and Laura Harring to tell them to get off Cyrille's dick and quit sabotaging his shit, but neither have a real twitter.


****ing shame.


That would be amazing.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

It's only been a few days, but my time in China has not been all that interesting at all yet. I'm still waiting on the rest of the English teachers like me to show up so I have a social group (given my lack of just about any Mandarin).

I think one's here, but she's some woman in her forties or something with a small child. I really hope the rest aren't. That would be bad. Bad bad bad.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

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It's only been a few days, but my time in China has not been all that interesting at all yet. I'm still waiting on the rest of the English teachers like me to show up so I have a social group (given my lack of just about any Mandarin).

I think one's here, but she's some woman in her forties or something with a small child. I really hope the rest aren't. That would be bad. Bad bad bad.
So his story has a Samari sword, and your in China and your best is "Well, I'm waiting around and its pretty relaxing....."


Come on man.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

i am pleased with my decision to read this thread.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:04 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

I know, it's terrible. I saw a dead dog on the side of a street. That might be the most excitement so far.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

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It's only been a few days, but my time in China has not been all that interesting at all yet. I'm still waiting on the rest of the English teachers like me to show up so I have a social group (given my lack of just about any Mandarin).

I think one's here, but she's some woman in her forties or something with a small child. I really hope the rest aren't. That would be bad. Bad bad bad.
have you seen people shitting on the sidewalk yet?
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Not yet, no.
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Old 08-23-2012, 06:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: First two months in L.A. Insanity!

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I know, it's terrible. I saw a dead dog on the side of a street. That might be the most excitement so far.
You morbid mother ****er.


Me and the wife saw a dog walking on the side of the road on the way home today, so I turned around to go pick it up. It was gone by the time I found a side street to pull a u-turn on. It was a minor annoyance in my day, and is more exciting than your story.


I've seen movies. And the movies say you'll find the love of your life if you go karaoke singing tonight. Maybe you'll run into Bill Murray.
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