Well, I ran home from the train that was 20 minutes late because of a power failure, run up to my apartment in Chicago, anxiously awaiting the 2003 NBA Draft. I was hit on by some gorgeous girl at the train stop on my way home from work. She said, "Ross (how'd she know my name?
), I think you are so hot -- what are you doing tonight?" I said, "Sorry, toots, the NBA Draft is on tonight, and I want to see the Blazers draft a guy named 'Outlaw'."
....Okay, so that didn't happen, and sure, the Outlaw/Blazers joke has been made about eighty-three times before the draft, but needless to say, I was pumped up. I didn't think much about the switch of coverage from TNT to ESPN at the time. It didn't really cross my mind, as I popped in a videotape and hit "Record" on the dinky little TV/VCR that I brought up here all the way from Memphis.
Now, I know that almost everyone in the media is a bloodsucking leech that is destined for the gates of hell, but by the time all was said and done, ESPN's coverage and their journalists made the paparazzi look like Girl Scouts selling cookies.
TNT's coverage was so much better last year. This year's draft was THE worst coverage I've ever seen. Worse than Quin Snyder sitting at the booth either last year or the year before and saying about seven words all that night. Worse than when Rick Majerus was at the table eating chicken wings during the lottery and visibly sweating margarine during his analysis.
We start off with graphics smothering the bottom and the left side of my 13" TV screen, so I can't see a damned thing anyways. And when I get real close, I see that none of it is worth my time in the first place. Example: those "quick facts" they pointed out while scrolling through a vertical list of teams were downright F
witted. Here are some samples, as the draft went by:
<li>"Milwaukee drafts TJ Ford.
QF First guard drafted by Milwaukee since 1996."
My response -- Well holy S
-- they've needed big men since 1996. Incredible!
<li>"Orlando drafts Reece Gaines.
QF First player taken from Louisville by Orlando.
My response -- This Orlando franchise was founded when -- 1990? How long has it been since Louisville has been one of the top notch names in college basketball -- the 1980s? So it makes PERFECT SENSE for Gaines to be the first ever Cardinal selected by the Magic. What do they think I am? Stupid? John Thompson?
<li>"Washington drafts Jarvis Hayes.
QF Jerry Stackhouse's ears aren't quite level.
My response -- HUH?
<li>"Seattle drafts Nick Collison.
QF Calvin Booth paints his toenails.
And so forth. Next thing I see on the screen is that Bo Outlaw has a bedwetting problem. Or that the Pistons were 18-3 last year when there was a 60% chance of rain in Bora-Bora. Like I'm supposed to give a more than a crap about ANY of that. The most worthless, uncreative, boring Quick Facts that anyone could make up. And the screen just simply gave me a headache with "Bilas' Best Player Available." I needed aspirin by the end of the lottery. If I were an epeleptic, I wouldn't have been able to make it past DARKO geting selected with all the color schemes and whatnot they had going on.
Speaking of Bilas, we of course have the ESPN crack announce squad of Jay Bilas (decent), Greg Anthony (well...better than Tim Hardaway...), Tom Tolbert (still no problems), but then ESPN just decides to piss me off deliberately by putting that pip-squeak nerd Mike Tirico in charge of everything. God, Tirico sucks. Get him off my screen. The man has the worst segues, doesn't know much of anything about basketball (or at least he never sounds like he does), looks like an absolute weenie, and is the most boring sports journalist personality I've ever seen. I would rather clone Dick Vitale FOUR times, load all of them up on crystal meth and beer for a week straight, and send ALL of their bald A
es out there for commentary rather than have ONE Tirico.
Now the draft (finally) starts without David Stern making some kind of joke like the Cavs traded their pick to the Heat (THAT would have fired up the Knicks' fans at MSG!), or that Cleveland drafts Rick Rickert with the #1 overall. How great would THAT have been? But nooo, Davey Boy ruins all the fun and announces the selection reeeeeeeal......slooooooow....like NO ONE knows who it's going to be. Killjoy. I swear he was talking in slow motion for that first pick.
Darko is selected and picks a bad first time to go without his interpreter. Michele "Craig Sager" Tafoya talks about what an "outspoken" kid he is, and what a "character he is." She builds Darko up like he's been on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend -- Live from Serbia!" and I'm sitting there expecting Darko to say something that will knock me out of my chair in laughter. Darko's response? "Yes..." And then a bunch of meandering gibberish. I actually felt bad for the guy in that interview.
And similarly, can someone explain to me the fetish with the broadcasting team announcing on a microphone in front of what was surely thousands of people about the selection's former, poorer homelife. Does anyone get tired of that?
David Stern: The (for example) Denver Nuggets select Carmelo Anthony.
Tirico has an orgasm, before he yells over a microphone: "FINALLY -- AFTER LIVING ON THE STREETS blah blah blah"...Same tired, repetitive drivel from Tirico, then we go down to Stuart Scott, who looks like a total dork in glasses. As if the general public didn't already know what a white guy he already was, now he decides he has to look like Carlton from the Fresh Prince.
Scott (with Melo's mom): Mrs. Anthony, we all know that you and your family are completely destitude and you had to live off of topsoil and aluminum siding for eight years. How happy are you that Carmelo just became a multi-millionaire to pull you and your family out of the dumpster, since they obviously couldn't cut it in the real world?
Mom: (Cries)
Scott: I'm sorry Mrs. Anthony, I realize this is an emotional moment for you, but I'm a member of the media, so I don't understand human emotion because I have no soul. So instead of throwing it back to Geek-Boy in the announcing booth, I'm going to keep asking questions. "When did you realize that Carmelo was a special person as well as a special player?"
Mom: (Still cries)
Scott: Well you're no use for this interview, so back up to you, Geek-Boy!
Tirico: Thanks Stuart. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it -- people like you!
We cut to a commercial, so we can see four different EA Sports Commercials for the same damn game (that I'll probably buy...) played 11 times in a row. Could the network just not get ANY other sponsors for this thing? This is the LeBron draft...surely Budweiser or Nike would have wanted to smear THEIR advertising feces all over the landscape...what gives?
We come back and the 4th through 6th picks whoosh by without too much of a hitch, aside from Chris Kaman saying "you know" like it's a form of punctuation in Michigan during his little questionairre session. [Bill Walton]Get some interview skills, Chris Kaman, one time...[/Bill Walton]
Stern approaches the podium once again.
Stern: The Chicago Bulls select Kirk Hinrich.
Greg Anthony: White boy!
Jay Bilas: Wimp!
Tom Tolbert: Wuss!
Tirico (cheerily): I got beat up every day in middle school! (long pause)...Um...I mean...Weakling!
My response -- Yeah OKAY -- enough -- we get it. Hinrich isn't going to win a toughman competition on ESPN2, but at least let the kid enjoy his walk to the stage. Can he not shake David Stern's hand before the whole announcing booth tears into his game? He might not be able to bench-press a small pony, but he can at least put the stinkin' ball in the cylinder. The same situation goes for the kids with a poor background. As if Darko wants to hear about a ten-year old war when he's putting on his Pistons cap. This is one of the finest moments of their lives -- do they really want the announce team to broadcast to everyone there how they ate sod to stay alive when this should be their crowning achievement?
Lampe is still sitting down. Apparently "HE...was not READY!" according to the slogan this year. I'm seeing shades of Rashard Lewis five years ago, counting down the picks until Maciej bawls like a baby.
Stern: The Seattle Sonics (they aren't "Super" anymore?) select Nick Collison.
Anthony: White boy!
Bilas: Wimp!
Tolbert: Wuss!
Tirico (cheerily): My boyfriend likes it when I call him "BUSTER!" (longer pause)...Um...WEAKLING!
Ridnour gets selected by Seattle as well, and Bilas completely rips him. I mean, he totally buries the kid (IN PUBLIC, no less) before Tafoya can get her dirty little hands on him. It was basically Hinrich to the
nth power. In fact, I don't think Bilas has said ANYTHING productive thus far. What the hell is he there for? He's the main college analyst, right? The only strength I've heard out of his mouth is that, apparently, everyone in this draft has "long arms," which has dethoned "upside" as the new draft buzzword. At least Tolbert set Jay straight later, saying he doesn't want anymore defensive (BORING) players in the league and wants to see some teams break 100 points every now and again. Thank God someone besides me does.
By the way, in between the Seattle picks, Jerry West trades a lottery pick and a wide-bodied center they that Memphis NEEDS for two guys projected to go in the second round. I was ready to throw the controller through the screen when they drafted Banks because he was a POINT GUARD. Apparently, West thought that the wrong Jason Williams wrecked his Yamaha last week. I said to myself, "Self, surely that pick is going somewhere else. Because Memphis has three serviceable point guards, and there's no way the Logo is that stupid." Then, Jerry West says, "YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO TRADE IT FOR ANOTHER POINT GUARD!" Not to mention they're going to hand Dahntay Jones the distinction of being the worst first rounder taken this year at #20. Barring an offseason trade, Jerry West has lost virtually all credibility with me. I really don't care that Jones is a super athlete or he's stayed four years at Duke...don't care...Memphis needs a damn center, with Cezary Trybanski's height, Lorenzen Wright's weight, and Pau Gasol's game. Pavel Podkolzine, where were you....? There were still plenty of other centers in this draft, though. Troy Bell? Nice player, but what kind of pick is that at 16?? You could've grabbed him at 20. Does Memphis want to run an "All-PG" lineup on the floor sometimes with Brevin Knight playing the 4? Call me Jerry -- I'd like to have a word with you. In fact, I have some grievances to file.
Then, they bring in Dick Vitale (who is possibly, and understandably, the most biased man you could get when you talk about Euros or high-schoolers), and he says that guys like Travis Outlaw could have risen his stock if he went to college. Yeah, like JASON KAPONO did by staying four years at UCLA. I'm surprised he even got
drafted, when he was a top 10 pick two years ago. Or that the Pistons are making a huge mistake by not drafting Carmelo Anthony (because Carmelo went to school for so long and everything..). Shut up, Dick. Xenophobe. I think the ACC should schedule a College Basketball Preseason Game every year on NBA Draft Night, just to get him out of my hair.
Or you could stay at Oregon for three years, and then Bilas could quip that you couldn't guard a metal folding chair. How's that for your college bias?
Every draft pick taken in the first round has a graphic displayed pointing out their weaknesses instead of their strengths. What they suck at, basically, instead of why they GOT drafted in the first place. And those borderline-retarded Quick Facts continue to roll. I liked this one:
<li>The Clippers go to the playoffs every year that they wear bright orange uniforms.
At least THAT's accurate.
Lampe STILL sits there while Stuart Scott gets eaten alive by New Yorkers, interviews some drunken loser wearing seven shirts on his head. Well....that was productive.
Jim Grey comes on and schills a LeBron jersey... "At the mere price of $140!! Buy one today!! Call now!! Operators are waiting!! I LOVE KOBE!!" What is this now, QVC? And what's with the Jim Grey/Kobe Bryant love connection? This is getting downright creepy in an Ahmad Rashad/Michael Jordan kind of way.
Another quick fact:
<li>The Grizzlies have been to the playoffs as many times as the Charlotte Bobcats.
The second round comes, for the sole reason that everyone in the booth can diss each other and practice their stand-up material, making fun of basically all the guys selected, if they tell us who got drafted at all. The rest of the time they fill up by running EA Sports commercials. And waking Hubie Brown up from his ether nap and bringing him out of the mothballs for a coaches' interview so he can explain why in the name of Sunny Jesus you would take Dahntay Jones at #20 -- but he didn't say "upside" ONCE!
Trades? Oh there were trades, all right. Like...Kyle Korver for Cash. Some other second rounder for another second rounder and Cash. Second rounders got traded around like POGS on draft night. And who is this Cash guy? He got traded alot. Is he any good?
I sit there wondering why I tape recorded any of this, if only to prove what idiots the GMs are for letting Sofoklis go in the second while Dahntay freakin' Jones gets a guaranteed contract. Steve Blake goes at #38 because Washington is trying to go to the Final Four next year and everything, and I'm sure Dickey V had a heart attack at that point, coming on again and saying how "SMART" college basketball players are with their decisions. Yeah Dick, how about that "SMART" guy that you hyped up and whored out so much last year that "SMARTly" jumped on a motorcycle without a license to drive it and wrapped it around a pole eight days ago? "Smart college basketball players."
That's what this draft was. An eyeroll. One big miscommunication and letdown, left unfurled by the no-personality journalists who were more interested in breaking a story than doing what they were there to do -- analyze the draft picks.
Maybe they should analyze switching back to Charles Barkley next year.
Here's what I think about ESPN's coverage...
It seems Jerry West is making bold moves just for the hell of it.
). I think I'm going to clean this up later, add a few other opinions that I left out, and put it in the Editorials forum, for anyone interested in following up on it.
