[B_&_B]

It's been a very long time since we got an update PBF. It's like reading a 200 page book and then stopping at page 120.

[maxiep]

Okay, when's the last time we've heard from ProudBFan? Not here, but anywhere in this forum?

[B_&_B]

Originally Posted by maxiep

Okay, when's the last time we've heard from ProudBFan? Not here, but anywhere in this forum?

He's been all over the board lately, just not in this thread.

[ProudBFan]

Hi folks, long time no update. To tell the truth, I have 1) been too busy filling in for my manager (who is on sabbatical) and taking care of my own job to post any kind of detailed update, and 2) haven't really felt like updating much - both because pesky little irritations have become such a part of everyday life that they are hardly worth discussing anymore and because, frankly, I don't think too many here care to hear the broken record spinning right round, baby, right round...

I have reached a state of equilibrium of sorts, and am just trying to stay focused on taking care of my children and myself the best I can. As mentioned above, I am filling in for my manager while she is out on sabbatical leave. It is challenging, because fully half her/my team is also out for one reason or another right now (3 including our manager out on sabbatical, 1 out on maternity leave, 2 on temporary loan to other teams, etc.). But we have completed the transition of our validation responsibilities for our old platform to our sustaining validation team and are ramping up on our next platform, and I am leading the team in that effort (nobody complaining about any balls being dropped yet). I feel like I am surviving day-to-day right now (and I really don't like that feeling), but I am trying to get farther ahead of the curve every day/week.

My children are still with me every other weekend, plus one day each week (during which I telecommute). The weekends I have had them have been great, and are pretty much what I am living for right now. The weekdays are tougher, because I *want* to spend as much time as possible with them, but still have work deliverables to accomplish. And even though the weekdays are working so far, I don't feel like they represent the kind of "quality time" I (or they) want/need. Like I said above, the best I can for now.

I am struggling with some minor depression on a few fronts:

1) I can feel my relationship with my children slipping away a bit - relative to their relationship with their mother. It hurts - a lot - but I don't see that there's anything I can really do about it at the moment. She spends more time with them than I do, and because she doesn't work she has time to plan and do many more activities with them than I can. They are bonding, while my relationship with them seems to be unavoidably suffering. And I am suffering because of it. In covering for my manager, I had to adjust the weekday I have the kids in order to attend two weekly late-day meetings - both of which conflict with my older son's taekwondo lessons (another hit to my relationship with him).

2) When I hear other people talk about saving for retirement and to be able to send their kids to college, I just want to cry (starting to right now just from typing that). I desperately want to be able to send my kids to whatever college they want to go to, and to be able to afford a semi-comfortable lifestyle when I retire. But right now, I don't see how I will be able to do any of that. I fear the court may award my wife permanent alimony due to the length of time we were married (10 years). And combining that with child support, I don't expect to be able to set much money (if any) aside for those things. Right now, after setting money aside each paycheck for our combined bills and then giving her 2/3 of the remainder and myself 1/3 (still seems like an equitable split considering custodial time), I am still dipping into my reserves (borrowed from parents) before each next paycheck arrives.

3) The house. We've talked about this here before. I *really* don't want my kids to have to move out of their current school district (a very good school) or neighborhood. They are establishing "roots" of sorts. And it will hurt me a lot (maybe more than I think it will now) for them to have to leave that behind, *because* it will hurt them (in ways I can only imagine right now).

4) Loneliness. I have one *really* good friend in my life. He's been my best friend since 5th grade, and we have shared a lot over the past ~30 years. He and his wife have been there for me through all of this so far, and I will probably never be able to repay them for all the kindness and support they have given me. But they have lives of their own, and sometimes I feel somewhat of a burden. I never ask much of anyone - it's not a pride thing (I have very little of that left anymore), just a respect thing. So I have companionship when I need it, most of the time. That's not what I'm talking about when I talk about being lonely. I miss my children. I miss having that special someone that I can share my innermost thoughts, concerns, exhuberances, and fears with - any time, day or night. I see other couples happily going about their lives, being partners in this crazy game called life, and I miss that (or whatever semblance of that I used to have). And, frankly, I miss intimacy (since October of last year, at least). I am a 39 year old balding man with three (adorable) children, a divorce pending, who will be financially strapped for God knows how long... and I just don't see how any woman will ever be interested enough in me to want to enter into a relationship with me. Lately (probably because I have been working out so much - more on that, below) I have started receiving a few appreciative looks from some of the young, single women at the apartment fitness center & pool. It feels good, but at the same time it presents me with a dilemna: Up to this point I have been guarded about reciprocating - I am carrying way too much emotional / financial baggage around with me right now. Why start something that will end up ending because of that baggage? And why would I want to subject any woman to this miasma of a life anyway? No, at this point, I expect to spend the rest of my life alone. Not that I want that, mind you, just that I am prepared for that eventuality.

But like I said above, I am taking care of myself as best I can. I am working out 2-3 times / week on average. My chest pains (something I don't think I have ever told anyone I had been suffering - since 2004 at least) have long since gone away, I am finally back down to 200 lbs (which I haven't weighed since just after high-school, I am 6'0" with a fairly large frame so 200 is just about ideal for me - still think I can lose another 10-15 pounds without looking wasted), and I am physically stronger than I think I have ever been in my life (and it shows). Can't wait for my next checkup with my Dr. I know my weight, conditioning, and cholesterol levels are going to knock his socks off.

Well, I have plenty of stuff here to get back to. Looking forward to this weekend; I am throwing a birthday party for my older son - taking him, my other son, and a group of 8 of my older son's friends to see the new Harry Potter movie (he has been talking about this since Christmas, and my friend gave me a $25 theater gift-card to help with costs) and then back to my place for cake and ice-cream after. And we (my children and I) will probably be spending plenty of time at the swimming pool over the rest of the weekend.

Later,

PBF

[MARIS61]

Glad to hear you're improving your health, as that will strengthen your mental facilities and ward off depression. Meeting someone new is an excellent idea and a better one than crawling into a social vacuum. I get your view on the house but I guarantee the minute your wife gets your name off it (if you allow that) she will sell it anyway, so better that you sell it while you can still see some of the money actually help your children.

You need to cut your wife off as much as is legal moneywise right now so she has to work. If you continue to carry all the weight a judge will assume it's no burden and lock it into the divorce agreement.

Don't let her use the kids as an excuse for you to support HER. That's ridiculous. I know if my wife wasn't already working, as she has since the very day our youngest entered kindergarten, if she ever left me she'd get a job the very next day. But then she's an awesome person who accepts responsibility for herslf and her actions.

Your ex seems like a user to me. Stop enabling her.

[crandc]

PBF, it is really unusual nowadays for a divorced woman to be funded to such a degree that she need not work. It made sense in a way for you to support her while she was home taking care of the home and children you shared; supporting her when she is not doing that does not make sense (child support is a different issue). Talk that over with your lawyer. You should not lose your retirement and your children should not lose their education so that she can sit around all day. This is not the 1950s. And she and your kids may be able to find a more modest home that would keep them in the same school district. It's absurd that you should make all the financial sacrifices.

As for getting involved with other women. I can understand being leery. But IMO there is no reason why you could not at least date. I'm not talking about intense relationships or remarrying. But there are women, believe me, who would enjoy a dinner, movie, basketball game (had to say that one!) with a man who are not looking for a husband. Obviously you want to be honest.

39 is not over the hill; since I'm older I have to say that! You have a good job, you have been a good father, you have a lot going for you. A lot of men of whatever age insist that they can only date 20 something skinny blond hotties. But most women once they pass 30 at least are looking more for the person. That is, if you are not insisting on a 20 something skinny blond hottie!

[B_&_B]

Ditto what MARIS and crandc said!

You sound like a good guy PBF... and good things happen to good people. Keep your head up!

[ProudBFan]

Originally Posted by B_&_B

You sound like a good guy PBF...

I guess it depends on whether you are asking me or my soon-to-be-ex...

and good things happen to good people. Keep your head up!

Then, based on what I've been going through, I must be a very, very bad person.

j/k You'll have to forgive my biting wit. I know what you meant, and I appreciate the sentiment.

PBF

[ProudBFan]

BTW, I am going to celebrate a little bit when the divorce is finalized... by getting a tattoo. Already have it planned. It will be this verse from The Lord of the Rings:

One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them

...but it will be written in Mordor script (as it was carved on The Ring), letters elongated to about 5" in height, and completely encircling my left bicep. I want to do it in red with a faint black undershadow (to make the letters "pop" and give the whole thing a 3D-ish appearance).

It will have a few different meanings for me.

PBF

[Spud147]

The first things that comes to my mind is the phrase, "This too shall pass". I know it sounds really trite right now but it is absolutely the truth. You're going through a down time right now and every aspect of your life looks bleak but you will get through this, get back on your feet, and everything is going to seem a lot easier.

Couple of things: I know it's really painful but try not to look at it as your ex-wife gaining closeness which makes you lose closeness with your kids. You guys are not on a sliding scale. One doesn't take away from the other and it is a blessing the kids are continuing to thrive in close relationships with both parents. It's what's best for them and, while it hurts you on a personal level, I know you want this to be as painless as possible for the kids. You and your wife have different roles in the family and a big part of yours is providing. That takes time away from home. There are a lot of breadwinners who think that's their only role and eventhough they physically live in the household with their kids they aren't interacting with them. You are actively participating in your childrens' lives and they love you for it. You are a great dad and I wish you didn't question yourself on that so much because it's not warranted.

That being said, you're walking a fine line between SuperDad trying to do what's best for the family and doormat getting taken advantage of. The ex appears to be a gifted manipulator and there is a limit to what you should take. Trust me, your kids will ABSOLUTELY NOT be scarred for life if they have to move to a new house and I don't think it's fair to expect you to make these huge financial sacrifices until the end of time. I'm sure there are several other housing options in the same school district and, even if there aren't, children are very resilient and will adjust if they have to. I got moved around a lot as a kid (and I'm an only child so I truly went alone to new schools in different states) and I turned out reasonably well adjusted (okay maybe I'm not the best example, heh).

I know both the boys are in school and your daughter has got to be close. Your ex is able bodied and would have a few hours during the day where she could work outside the home and you wouldn't even need day care. I know you're not expecting her to get a six figure job but she CAN find work involving remuneration and eventually you will be able to start building your retirement again. This has set you back a couple years but it's not hopeless at all!

What's also not hopeless is your love life. Someday you'll look back on this and chalk that train of thought up to a bad time in life when you weren't firing on all cylinders. If you want to be in a relationship you will be. I think you're smart not to jump into a serious and committed relationship right now. The fact that you're aware of your current emotional limitations and don't want to pass along the pain to another lady shows you're a really decent guy.

You're going to have to work through some stuff before you can move on to something long term but there is no law against getting out and making friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're smart, fun, responsible, considerate, gainfully employed, and (I think) you have a clean criminal history. You're a cool dude to hang out with. Heck, you're a freakin' catch! Going out to dinner, a movie, a game, or even doing the deed does not mean you have to make a life time commitment. Seriously, you're over analyzing this!

I once dated a guy I met on a plane flying back from Vegas. We went out on a few dates and had a great time, no biggie. We were making plans to out again and suddenly he started listing how confused he was about his long term plans (keep in mind that we hadn't even kissed yet). He'd just gotten out of a relationship, was going through a custody dispute, etc. I was just sitting there thinking, "Dude, I was just talking about getting a cup of coffee". Long story short, he stopped calling for a few months and by the time he'd worked through his "issues" and asked me out again I was seeing someone else. He created this huge thing between us after only one visit to the Art Museum, a dinner, and a birthday party for one of his co-workers. He started analyzing our "relationship" and freaked himself out. As a result I just thought he was a freak!

Okay, back to my point, getting out with new people is a really good thing. It doesn't have to go anywhere if you don't want it to. Just be upfront about it, that's the most important thing. And, if you don't want to reciprocate "the looks" from the hotties at the gym you don't have to do that either. Just sit back and bask in your studliness for now if that's all you can handle. Trust me, eventually, "This too shall pass".

Spud

[Spud147]

Originally Posted by ProudBFan

BTW, I am going to celebrate a little bit when the divorce is finalized... by getting a tattoo. Already have it planned. It will be this verse from The Lord of the Rings:

One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them

...but it will be written in Mordor script (as it was carved on The Ring), letters elongated to about 5" in height, and completely encircling my left bicep. I want to do it in red with a faint black undershadow (to make the letters "pop" and give the whole thing a 3D-ish appearance).

It will have a few different meanings for me.

PBF

Even better, it give you that certain "thug appeal" and chicks dig bad boys.

[ProudBFan]

Originally Posted by Spud147

You're going through a down time right now and every aspect of your life looks bleak but you will get through this, get back on your feet, and everything is going to seem a lot easier.