[B_&_B]

You dont have to answer this because its really none of our business, but who is getting custody of the kids? From what you've posted in the past, it seems to me like you are the one who should get custody. A friend of mine found out his wife was having an affair, and they got a divorce and he got full custody of his kids. If you have any questions, I'd be more than willing to ask him for you.

My parents got a divorce, but I was 19 or so, so it didnt have much impact on me. Both my parents are happier now (both have re-married), so it worked out for the better.

My wife was previously married and they had a child. We have a great relationship with her ex and his new wife and it really makes it MUCH better for our/their son. It also makes it better for his brother, our youngest. We hang out with her ex and his wife with the kids often. They are almost like a part of our family. I wouldnt want it any other way. We have a couple of friends who have kids from previous marriages who have a bad relationship with the ex's. It has a big impact on the kids, and its obvious in so many ways.

[dudleysghost]

Originally Posted by B_&_B

We have a couple of friends who have kids from previous marriages who have a bad relationship with the ex's. It has a big impact on the kids, and its obvious in so many ways.

That makes I think 5 people making essentially the same point. I just thought I'd point that out to emphasize how important it is and how easy it is to fall into the trap that lets lingering resentment hurt the kids.

[Oil Can]

PBF,

Sorry. I went through a divorce 3 years ago. It is a hard process and will alter your life path. AS someone mentioned "living well is the best revenge". True in many ways...

but..

Don't look at it as revenge. Look at this opportunity as a way to shape your life moving forward.

When I divorced, I was shocked, hurt and confused. After a few weeks inside a bottle, I came out of it and: switched careers. Returned to graduate school. Started racing....

and now: I am dating a size 2 blonde.

So, keep your chin up. Seize opportunities and take care of yourself and your needs. Trust me, there are more women out there.

[ProudBFan]

Originally Posted by Oil Can

So, keep your chin up. Seize opportunities and take care of yourself and your needs. Trust me, there are more women out there.

Requirement #1: Must be rabid fan of the Portland Trail Blazers, with an ingrained hatred for David Stern, NBA officials, the Los Angeles Lakers, and Kobe Bryant.

PBF

[MARIS61]

Originally Posted by ProudBFan

Requirement #1: Must be rabid fan of the Portland Trail Blazers, with an ingrained hatred for David Stern, NBA officials, the Los Angeles Lakers, and Kobe Bryant.

PBF

Is there any other kind of rabid Blazers fan?

[crandc]

Hi PBF,

Well, I certainly fit the requirements of rabid Blazer fan, hate Lakers, hate Kobe Bryant, etc. etc. but, to put it delicately, you've got the wrong spare parts!

OK, seriously. I think dudley's ghots and BNM both had good advice. Of course you are angry and sad and a lot of other things and no one should tell you not to be but don't reflect it on your children.

I don't have personal experience with divorce for an obvious reason. But I'm sure there must be some on line chat rooms; there are for everything. You might want to check. And again, we've all said this, you need a good lawyer, doesn't have to be an SOB but must know your needs and fight for them and your kids.

Wishing you the best, believe me.

[It's_GO_Time]

Added Thought: No matter what actions your ex takes, or what you think of her . . . don't bad mouth her to the children (and it should be visa versa). Keep the children out of the bad blood and encourage/foster them to have a strong relationship with both parents.

[Paul Allen]

PBF, you will get through this, but you have to be armed with sincerity and humbleness.

First, your kids will NOT be happy. But then you arrive at a crossroads...

You either become a father who is a jerk to their mom and is rude, volatile and not-open. OR, soon you will become their father, who is divorced from their mother, who is still a "cool, accomodating, fun" dad.

You have to make that choice. If it's the latter, then your children will grow up from 10 to 13, from 15 to 18 and from 18 to 22 and realize that it YOU were good and right all along.

We all grow up and laugh at our attitudes, emotions, etc. from when we were younger, but make sure they view your divorce as others on here have...it was for the better, it turned out alright, etc.

You do not want your children to be able, in 10-20 years down the road, still be bitter about it.

[Blazer Ringbearer]

Originally Posted by Paul Allen

You have to make that choice. If it's the latter, then your children will grow up from 10 to 13, from 15 to 18 and from 18 to 22 and realize that it YOU were good and right all along.

I disagree with this attitude. As long as you view it as a competition, you will never be happy.

The last thing that you should hope for is that your children take your side in the end. That's a very self serving outlook.

It should be about making your children as happy, comfortable and well adjusted as possible. Success in that should lead to much more satisfaction than having the children like you better...

[Paul Allen]

ringbearer,

I suppose it was not too clear...I meant the kids will know you were good and right all along for the decision two parents made to divorce. Not as a competition versus the spouse.

It might sting at first, but if you act, as we have all suggested, in time the children will come to understand.

[ProudBFan]

My heartfelt thanks to each and every one of you for taking the time to share your experiences, thoughts, prayers, and opinions. Believe it or not, it's more than my own father has done so far.

I have learned that Oregon's divorce laws (yes, I know that is a very broad term) mandate "no fault" marriages. That means, whether or not she has had an affair is of no consequence in the state of Oregon, unless she was leaving the house (and leaving me there to care for the kids) while she was out doing it (no pun intended). In that case it would reflect itself in the amount of time she has spent with the kids vs. the amount of time I have spent with the kids, which in turn would reflect in the custodial arrangements. As far as I know, that never happened (except maybe once), so I am going to put that thought out of my mind because it will only distract me from the real work at hand.

I am going to try to work with her to arrange as much as possible privately, keeping in mind that the State's highest priority is keeping things as close to "as they were" for the kids as possible. That means she, as the primary care-giver (single-income family, with me working - my butt off - to provide and her staying at home to give the kids the best possible household, a decision we made together before having kids) will likely have the largest share of physical custody of the kids. The house (our largest asset) will have to be sold (and the equity divided up) eventually, but in the interest of softening the blow I can ask that that be delayed up to 3-5 years. I am strongly considering that, out of concern for the kids immediate well-being. Thoughts and opinions on this would be appreciated.

I wish I could go into more detail now, but I can't. This won't be easy, but I think we can work together to make it survivable for the kids. I am going to have to put my personal feelings on the matter aside (which I've already started to do) as so many of you have recommended. I am going to work hard to dedicate myself to turning this into a long-term positive, despite the short-term pain I - and my children - are feeling now.

PBF

[LameR]

Originally Posted by ProudBFan

I am going to try to work with her to arrange as much as possible privately, keeping in mind that the State's highest priority is keeping things as close to "as they were" for the kids as possible.

I am strongly considering that, out of concern for the kids immediate well-being. Thoughts and opinions on this would be appreciated.

This won't be easy, but I think we can work together to make it survivable for the kids. I am going to have to put my personal feelings on the matter aside (which I've already started to do) as so many of you have recommended. I am going to work hard to dedicate myself to turning this into a long-term positive, despite the short-term pain I - and my children - are feeling now.

PBF

There should be more people with your attitude in the world. Props to going through this with such a strong mindset with all things considered.

[B_&_B]

Originally Posted by LameR

There should be more people with your attitude in the world. Props to going through this with such a strong mindset with all things considered.

I agree with LamR. You are a good man and good father PBF.

BUT, I think you are being to nice to her. YOU are the one who worked your butt off to provide for the family. Make her get out & work & provide for herself. Sounds to me like she's taken advantage of you long enough. I hope that didnt sound harsh, that isnt my intention... and its easy for me to say being on the outside looking in.

Stay strong PBF!

[ProudBFan]

Originally Posted by B_&_B

I agree with LamR. You are a good man and good father PBF.

BUT, I think you are being to nice to her. YOU are the one who worked your butt off to provide for the family. Make her get out & work & provide for herself. Sounds to me like she's taken advantage of you long enough. I hope that didnt sound harsh, that isnt my intention... and its easy for me to say being on the outside looking in.

Stay strong PBF!

My stepfather's advice:

"You got your balls back. Make 'em brass, and use 'em."

He's a retired ironworker. Go figure.

PBF