[mook]

I figure everybody has an opinion about tv ads, so why not post my ad here before I start running it?

It's for my cookbook software company, and I plan on running it on Martha Stewart and other craft shows. I put it together in Flash and hired somebody to do the voice/music.

I know this board isn't really the target market, but if you're not a 30-55 year old woman, pretend you're your mom or wife for a minute.

[blazermaniaisback]

did you compress the voice to fit for time? It sounds fast at the end... of course I do radio production so what I notice might not be noticed by others. Besides that the video was cool. Who is the voice?

[DaRizzle]

The narrator sounds a little choppy... Not her voice but the timing of the pauses, sort of robotic in that sense. Maybe make the music a little louder and her voice a little softer along with having a better flow. Her voice is overbearing. Other than that it looks great.

[Hector]

I think a little disco beat right in the middle would add body. The audio at each end should fade in and out. A wavy sound is the current thing in ads, so she should speak with a tremor in her voice. Also, you want to attract the black audience, so you want to have some baritone grunts, like James Brown, filling in the gaps between her sentences. Don't forget the children in the audience. Where are the little cartoon talking animals? Animation is expensive, so you might just do the job yourself with puppets.

[mook]

Originally Posted by duckworthstolemylunch

did you compress the voice to fit for time? It sounds fast at the end... of course I do radio production so what I notice might not be noticed by others. Besides that the video was cool. Who is the voice?

the voice is Denise Kelly, a professional voice talent out of Florida, I believe. I found her on Google Ad Marketplace. she recorded the audio and the music. I don't know if she compressed the audio at the end--I didn't do it on my end.

I have thought about cutting out some of the wording to let her speak slower....most of our customers are between 40 and 55 year old women. she might be too much of a "fast talker" for that crowd.

on the other hand, it just occurs to me that she sounds a lot like Hillary Clinton....

[mook]

Originally Posted by DaRizzle

The narrator sounds a little choppy... Not her voice but the timing of the pauses, sort of robotic in that sense. Maybe make the music a little louder and her voice a little softer along with having a better flow. Her voice is overbearing. Other than that it looks great.

thanks! you know, I think you might have put your finger right on it. maybe a little more "Obama" and a little less "Hillary".

if I cut out a sentence of text and tell her to relax a little, it might work better.

[mook]

Originally Posted by Hector

I think a little disco beat right in the middle would add body. The audio at each end should fade in and out. A wavy sound is the current thing in ads, so she should speak with a tremor in her voice.

hmmmm...to carry the Hillary analogy a little farther, this would be her "tearing up" moment.

Also, you want to attract the black audience, so you want to have some baritone grunts, like James Brown, filling in the gaps between her sentences.

we just haven't sold much of our product to black audiences, for whatever reason. I guess we're after Hillary's "hard working, white Americans". I know that my own mom finds anything even vaguely James Brown to be somewhat sinister. it sounds racist, but frankly marketing is inherently a little racist (and sexist and ageist). it's targeting messages to one community based on their general needs and world views. it's lumping people together by demographics (often unfairly).

Don't forget the children in the audience. Where are the little cartoon talking animals? Animation is expensive, so you might just do the job yourself with puppets.

not sure how serious you are there. I really doubt anybody under 20 has ever bought our product.

[DaRizzle]

^woo hoo...add another drop to the ego bucket

[blazermaniaisback]

Originally Posted by mook

the voice is Denise Kelly, a professional voice talent out of Florida, I believe. I found her on Google Ad Marketplace. she recorded the audio and the music. I don't know if she compressed the audio at the end--I didn't do it on my end.

I have thought about cutting out some of the wording to let her speak slower....most of our customers are between 40 and 55 year old women. she might be too much of a "fast talker" for that crowd.

on the other hand, it just occurs to me that she sounds a lot like Hillary Clinton....

Is she going to be the one to go back and cut the audio it up for you if you want her too or are you? If she is, is she going to do it for free? If not let me know... I will hook a fellow Blazermaniac up.

And if you want to go with someone less Hillary sounding I know some people.

[mook]

duck-

she says she's got a 100% satisfaction guarantee. I'm putting it to the test. the thing is that I do want a little "Hillary", after all Oprah and Martha Stewart have that same, strong quality. just toned down a little.

if I can't get no satisfaction, I'll definitely look you up. I can do audio editing, but I don't enjoy it. I'm much more of a visual guy.

here's the email I'm firing out to her now:

I've been thinking about the ad and have demoed the finished version to about 10 people. Very polished production, which always impresses me.

The consensus seems to be that the music is good, but the narration is:
#1 Too rushed-sounding at the end
#2 Too choppy
#3 Too "bossy" at the expense of not sounding sentimental enough (especially at the "thanks mom." )

I think we can fix #1 just by tightening the script. I've trimmed it down to give you the space to read it easily.
____________________________________________
SCRIPT:

This is me.

This is my family cookbook.

It has 87 of my family recipes, arranged by cookies, breads, entrees, and then alphabetized.

I use it to make my mom’s cookies for my own kids.

This is my mom. She made the cookbook using software at CookbookPeople.com, and she printed it out with her home computer.

"The Cookbook People" JINGLE

Thanks, Mom.
____________________________________________
For issue #2 (choppy), please just ignore the animation I sent you. I'll re-time the animation to fit your narration. Just read it in your great voice in a natural way, like you are showing the cookbook to your best friend.

For issue #3, the "Thanks mom" sounded a little too smug, when I really want to hear a tender emotion. (For a lot of our customers, the grandmother has often passed away.) Maybe a little like how Hillary Clinton had that great moment where she got a little tearful after New Hampshire. Here's the clip:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...FI3O4gK1vfDeCQ

You've got a great, confident voice. Just tone it down a little for this ad. We're not quite selling funeral services here, but also not selling kitchen knives. Somehow find an in-between?

I appreciate your help on this project, and I really think we can get this right. If our first ad works, I've been thinking about a campaign with three other ads to complement this one.

[crandc]

OK, I am in the target group. I agree she sounds choppy. I don't think she sounds bossy or overbearing. I don't think she needs to tear up. Maybe the 'thanks Mom' could be a little warmer, she sounds like she's reading a script - which she probably is, but should not sound like it. Tearing up would be excessive.

I also noticed how white everyone is. Bad syntax and James Brown are not what would attract Black customers, maybe just marketing (church groups, for example).

I could suggest you might refer to occasions. I don't know how much time you have, but you could say, for example, this was the cake for my 10-year-old's birthday, this is the pumpkin pie we always have at Thanksgiving. That sort of thing. Makes the examples specific, not just "my cookies".

[mook]

I was hoping you'd look at this, crandc.

Yeah, I don't want her to "tear up" exactly. Just sound a little more, well, grateful.

It's interesting about the "bossy" thing. My wife thinks she sounds bossy (although she's English and she thinks most Americans sound bossy). My mom didn't think she sounded bossy, though. I think men often see a "bossy" woman where women see a "strong" woman.

I was being a little flippant about James Brown. My real point is that the vast majority of my customers tend to come from lily white states (like Idaho, where I live).

I don't want to communicate that it's just a white person's product, but for our very first commercial I want to target who we've done well with in the past. If the commercial does well, I'll probably write several more, and maybe target some ethnic groups too. Church groups are a good market to go after, but it's really an entirely different commercial. Although we sell to church groups, they aren't our bread and butter.

Really good point on "cookies". My idea was to show that our software helps a family recipe tradition span three generations. Grandma's cookies become my cookies which become my kid's cookies. "Cookies" is kind of vague though.

If I do another ad, it might be much simpler, and really tie into the family tradition thing. Show a steaming peach cobbler against a black background. It could say: "There are a million recipes for peach cobbler. There's only one for your mom's peach cobbler." Then show our logo and tag line (Where great families make great cookbooks.)

[crandc]

Originally Posted by mook

It's interesting about the "bossy" thing. My wife thinks she sounds bossy (although she's English and she thinks most Americans sound bossy). My mom didn't think she sounded bossy, though. I think men often see a "bossy" woman where women see a "strong" woman.

I thought the same thing. I would suggest you show the ad to more women, especially in your target demographic.