loyalty4life

...that she's not attractive at all! So HOWIE politely asks her what modeling agency she works for. After a few moments of waiting, the skank turns into an evil monster standing 7 feet tall! It's HOWIE's worst nightmare!

HOWIE then wakes up only to find out that it was all a DREAM! So he gets up, and he wants some good breakfast... When he looked in the cupboard, all that he found was...

__________________
Have you "pulled a Swirsky" today?™

HOWIE

.....some chips and dip left over from the night before. Checking the very back of the cupboard HOWIE finds a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Wondering to himself, "Whose number could this be?", he desides to call it. To his suprise, the voice on the other end said.......

__________________

Dan

Howie, this is your mother here. Your fadda and I got a new cell phone, but like the vcr, neither one of us can figure out how to set the time.

Howie, knowing full well that couldn't be his mother, (she doesn't speak with a canadian accent) hung up the phone and decided to call his buddy Schilly. Schilly, who was busy working on his fast ball....

__________________
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything".

when will the loss of life end?

The world respects the power of our example, not an example of our power.

I'd like to say I made this, but I didn't

Schilly

...but feeling pretty down after that inside chin music got away from and seeing the poor guy hauled away on a stretcher.

"Waassssaaaaaaapppppp!!!!! HOWIE!!!!" Quikly Schilly realized there was a game still going on so he handed the phone to his 2 yr old.

"Wha is dat!!?"
"Wha is dat!!?"
"I went Poo poo!!!"

Upon seeing young Hay on daddies Cell phone Mrs. Schilly took the phone and pressed off.

"What is happening...? HOWIE CONFUSED!!!"

So Howie called the canadian woman back to see if she had answers...

HOWIE

....but HOWIE has realized that he had mis-dialed the first time and that the number ended in 10 instead of 01. Still hungry our hero decides to put the phone down and find something to eat. He looks in the back of the cupboard and realizes that he has some coupons for some chulipas from a Blazer game where they scored over 100 points. Reaching all the way back into the cupboard something grabs him.......

__________________

Dan

That something is the memory of the pain in his stomach from the last time he consumed 12 chalupas.

To say that he was wearing a path in the carpetting from his bed to the toilet, wouldn't be accurate. For he was sitting on the toilet 24 hours straight. In that time, he read...

__________________
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything".

when will the loss of life end?

The world respects the power of our example, not an example of our power.

I'd like to say I made this, but I didn't

bintim70

the back of his wife's tampon box 47823 times. He swore off reading and ate another Chalupa.

__________________
Out posted by everyone since 1999.

Dan

Here's the whole story if anyone wants to read it in 1 section.

I was getting ready to kick back and watch the Blazer game the other night, when the phone rang. I was seriously thinking about not answering it because I didn't want to potentially get into any conversations that might drag on, well into the game.

However, for whatever reason, I decided to go ahead and pick up the phone. My jaw just about dropped to the floor when I realized who I was talking to a talking llama named Jeff.

Hailing from Washington, D.C., Jeff had just received a hot tip on an evil plot to turn the entire U.S. government into radioactive sludge...

He asked me to come to Washington to help him.

Not being a huge fan of our government in the best of times, I deliberated for a few moments before saying... "What?"

The Llama did not respond because well...Llamas can't speak. So I quickly got into a cab, and said "Driver, take me too…“

The cab driver said, "What? Don't you mean 'to'?"

And then I responded, "No. I wanted to go wherever this attractive woman who's ALREADY in the cab is going. Where are we going, Ms. ... ?"


....Schotz?"

She replied, "Well, I was on my way to an interview, when this crazy idea crossed my mind to enter the Jantzen Bikini Contest. So that's where I'm headed right now."

"Do you want to come with me?"

I replied, "Err, uhmm..........."

No...I have an important meeting with Pete Pranica. Say, do you know Pete? Good chum, if you ask me. He gets excited a lot, but he's a top notch fellow. Say...didn't you used to work for KOIN TV? Is it true that Ed Whalen is a crazy paranoid...........type?

I believe he hails from Cleveland, right? Whatever good comes out of the Mistake on The Lake? Oh, well. No matter.

But, anyway, Ed's a pretty nice guy, really. I always liked his milk runs through the high school football scores. He has such a folksy way about him.

Pete told me that there's a chance I could get a job with Blazer Broadcasting. I'm SO pumped! I'm gonna go through a read through with him this afternoon. Now, there's no chance that I'll land speaking-type job - mainly moving cable here and there. But, hey, I don't care, Just to get a foot in the door of the Blazers organization has been a lifelong dream of mine.

In fact, I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old. It was like yesterday. I was sitting by the fire in the den. The Blazers were playing the Denver Nuggets. The game was tense as David Thompson was almost single-handedly bringing the Nuggets back from a 20-point deficit.

I had one of those Mr. Mikes and I was pretending to be Shonz - calling the play-by-play.....................................Say Ann, who do you think is better? Stackhouse or Bonzi? I mean, you of all people should know. Ann? Ann? Dangit. When did she leave the cab? Oh well, driver, take me to McDonalds, I'm hungry for some..."I'm hungry for some..."

JAMS! Can I interest you in some high quality Jams? What you don't like Jams?? What's the problem--why don't you like Jams?? Well I oughta.......get the heck out of this cab. Nothing seems to make much sense for more than 10 seconds at a time in here," I thought to myself.

So I got out of the cab. I looked around and realized that I had no idea where I was. This wasn't Portland anymore. In fact, it didn't even seem like Earth...

The sky was yellow and the ground was red. The air seemed to constantly be whistling the melody "Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are neeear..."

A 3 foot green man in a ninja mask approached me and shouted, "Why Hello and welcome to......drug rehab Mr Kemp. We are glad you could make it. Do you have anything special to say to the group?

Yah, I responded by saying "hey, my name isn't mr Kemp. Whats that all about? I mean, one minute I eat some weird mushrooms, and the next....minute i'm in a yellow hummer.

speaking of hummer, is that one of those skanks from the party over there giving Bill Clinton a.....hand made potato gun?

Soon after the conversation went down, Mr. Clinton and the woman went........went to Idaho where potato guns are the weapons of choice.

Bill Clinton got run out of the state, though, since the Wanker is the only Democratic resident.

The skank............returned to Oregon, picked up a friend and headed to the Rose Garden for another night of "boozing and floozing".

Well, while they were in the concourse loading up on some more "refreshments" prior to the start of the game, they happened to run into some dude named HOWIE.

One of them goes, "DUDE, I remember you! You were at that party that one night way up there in one of them sky boxes! Uhmmm, against the Clippers. Right? Do you remember me? What's your name, cowboy? You look like the perfect face for an upcoming modeling assignment I'm working on.

Well, ol' HOWIE gives her the "quick" once over, sadly remembers the affair in question, then promptly reminds the girl...................that she's not attractive at all! So HOWIE politely asks her what modeling agency she works for. After a few moments of waiting, the skank turns into an evil monster standing 7 feet tall! It's HOWIE's worst nightmare!

HOWIE then wakes up only to find out that it was all a DREAM! So he gets up, and he wants some good breakfast... When he looked in the cupboard, all that he found was.........some chips and dip left over from the night before. Checking the very back of the cupboard HOWIE finds a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Wondering to himself, "Whose number could this be?", he desides to call it. To his suprise, the voice on the other end said......Howie, this is your mother here. Your fadda and I got a new cell phone, but like the vcr, neither one of us can figure out how to set the time.

Howie, knowing full well that couldn't be his mother, (she doesn't speak with a canadian accent) hung up the phone and decided to call his buddy Schilly. Schilly, who was busy working on his fast ball.......but feeling pretty down after that inside chin music got away from and seeing the poor guy hauled away on a stretcher.

"Waassssaaaaaaapppppp!!!!! HOWIE!!!!" Quikly Schilly realized there was a game still going on so he handed the phone to his 2 yr old.

"Wha is dat!!?"
"Wha is dat!!?"
"I went Poo poo!!!"

Upon seeing young Hay on daddies Cell phone Mrs. Schilly took the phone and pressed off.

"What is happening...? HOWIE CONFUSED!!!"

So Howie called the canadian woman back to see if she had answers...

....but HOWIE has realized that he had mis-dialed the first time and that the number ended in 10 instead of 01. Still hungry our hero decides to put the phone down and find something to eat. He looks in the back of the cupboard and realizes that he has some coupons for some chulipas from a Blazer game where they scored over 100 points. Reaching all the way back into the cupboard something grabs him.....That something is the memory of the pain in his stomach from the last time he consumed 12 chalupas.

To say that he was wearing a path in the carpetting from his bed to the toilet, wouldn't be accurate. For he was sitting on the toilet 24 hours straight. In that time, he read...the back of his wife's tampon box 47823 times. He swore off reading and ate another Chalupa.

__________________
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything".

when will the loss of life end?

The world respects the power of our example, not an example of our power.

I'd like to say I made this, but I didn't

Tommyboy

...As he felt his insides rumble slightly for one final momentous and manly moment on the mantle of manhood, he called out to his wife "Woman! Bring me a cup o' joe and my Marlboro's! This might take a while". He then grabbed his cell phone and called Pizza Hut to order the new 16" Cheezy Crust with Pepperoni, Olives and......

__________________
"That is one of the best blocks I have ever seen in this league," coach Maurice Cheeks said. "At the end of the game, with the game on the line . . . and (Hunter) cocked that ball . . . but he was de-nied. And I mean de-nied."
Added Damon Stoudamire: "That was one of the best blocks I have ever seen, because it was a dunk, and he almost caught it with two hands. I have never seen a guy block shots like this. His athleticism is scary."

REFERENCE: THEO "THE RATTLER" RATLIFF

ABM

....mushrooms. As it turns out, some Pizza Hut employee had decided to play a joke and put some of the "funny" mushrooms on the pizza.

Poor HOWIE. He missed the entire 7th Game of the Blazers/Mavs 1st Round Series!

Yeah, the Mavs were up by 15 points in the 4th Quarter, but the Blazers battled back and battled back until the waning seconds of the game.

With 3 seconds showing on the game clock, Rasheed Wallace was foiled by Nick Van Exel as his 3-point shot swished cleanly through the net to tie the game!. Wallace calmly approached the line to put the Blazers ahead for the first time in the game. Wallace clanked the Free Throw. BUT - and here's the clincher - Shawn Bradley tangled with Zach Randolph and was called for a lane box infraction.

Man, the Dallas faithful went absolutely NUTSO! Debris came flying from every which way and was strewn the entire length of the court. It was amazing sight to behold! There was so much garbage, you couldn't even see the lane on one end of the court! In fact, the ABC announcers couldn't recall ever seeing such a sight, or ordeal in their careers. Immediately, the refs had to be escorted out of the playing area while waiting for order be restored.

Eventually, the AA Arena staff and security were able to clear the debris and get everyone back into their seats. But, when, when Wallace went to shoot that crucial Free Throw, MORE debris came flying.

Now, David Stern, who happened to be in attendance had seen enough. He abruptly approached the PA announcer, then "Sternly" announced..........