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kfranco · 04-23-2005, 10:34 PM

This was heard on Jim Rome's radio show recently. For those of you who don't
know who Rome is, he is a nationally syndicated sports talk show personality
based in California with no other connections to Texas.

You see, ESPN is spending the season following the A & M Football team for
some documentary. Well, I guess Rome has something to say about the Aggies &
College Station. Here it goes:

"They won't shut up. They have to go on about spirit, and old army,
and red ***, and how bonfire represents the burning sensation they have in
their urine to beat UT, and blah blah blah. Shut up. You start to get the
feeling the entire school was built to spite UT. Forget the fact that when
the Texas Legislature back in the 1870's passed legislation to start a state
university they also decided to have a subsidiary branch of the main
school(University of Texas) that would teach agriculture and mechanics.
Aggies love to say their school is older, from where they get that I don't
know......the fact is, the State intended A&M to be a branch of UT. They are
like the afterbirth from the original creation. Like Danny Devito in
"Twins". So they apparently have this complex, so much so, that they must
devote their entire school to trying to prove to UT that they are just as
good. All the while, nobody at UT denies that A&M is a good school, yet they
won't shut up. So they write a fight song......about?....Texas, and how they
want to beat them. They have a Fish Camp for freshman where they tell them
how bad Texas is and how good A&M and all its traditions are.

It is the world's largest known case of penis envy, and it is
manifested in everything A&M does. The people at A&M. Now we all have
friends who went to A&M or are at A&M. There are some nice people there.
However...there is the Corp. East Texas' answer to dreams of ROTC kids
everywhere. For every boy scout who never learned to stop playing with his
GI Joe Toys, there is the Corp. Now, forget the fact that A&M will actually
let people with sub-par grades enroll if they agree to join the Corp. Forget
the fact that the Corps looked like a Gestapo hate rally while beating down
students on Kyle Field in 1995. Forget the fact that along with the numerous
hazing charges that have been filed against them, and swept under the rug
over the years, they just this past month have had one Corps member bring
charges against another Corps member who apparently had been propositioning
others for a little actual sodomy. Not only could I go on with more
instances of idiocracy by these Khaki-clad-shaven-headed-dorks, I am sure
each of you have your own stories.

The point is: We all respect West Point, Annapolis, The Air Force
Academy; however, nobody respects the Corp. I imagine they are kind of the
laughing stock of the military world. Just because you dress like the Army,
and try and act like the Army, does not make you the Army. People at A&M
don't even respect these clowns. It is not cool to shave your head and dress
up. Halloween is only supposed to be one day of the year. If you want to
carry guns and beat up civilians, move to Israel. It is even less cool to
slobber on somebody's daughter on national television and call it a
tradition. Dry humping 18 year old girls in the stands at football games is
not cool. Not only is it not cool, it should be against the law. I know that
in College Station, students are just prone to mount each other on the
campus lawn, or in the middle of class, or anytime anything good happens you
can just grab the girl sitting next to you and start sucking on her face.
But everywhere else in the world, it is looked down upon. Especially if you
are doing it on my TV. That is why we have moved the game from Thanksgiving.
Because people across the nation were gagging on their turkey when in the
middle of watching a football game, some boy scout is tongue thrashing some
overweight co-ed during somebody's Thanksgiving dinner. We do not need to
see burly women engaged in a suckfest every time your woeful offense manages
to put points on the board. Some of these girls are in desperate need of a
trip to the Clinique counter. Screw that, forget make-up, it is too late for
that, just give them a veil.

"t.u." is not funny. It is NOT insulting. It is dumb. Just imagine if
folks from Texas kept talking about M&A and giggling. That would not be
funny. In fact, it would be retarded. That's why UT fans don't do it. Please
learn. You want to lose the image of country bumpkins, of a people fond of
sheep, of people that aren't stupid? Then quit building things that fall
down. Quit chasing cheerleaders around with swords on national TV. Quit
whooping in church. Quit whooping period. Quit putting up scoreboards for
the enjoyment of dead mammals. Quit spending your Friday nights practicing
how to yell. Quit telling rape jokes to reporters when you're running for
Governor. When you are filling out season ticket renewals, and the form asks
for your phone #, H & W, quit putting 258-3999, Height 6'3", Weight 185.
Just, collectively, stop making asses of yourselves.

Go to East Texas, tour every small town, and ask every red neck with
a 5th grade education why they cheer for A&M and wear maroon. That is your
fan base. This is why you are perceived by the educated masses as stupid.
Nobody cares if you think your band is better. They might be louder, they
might march in neat little zig zags, but they have no musical ability. The
point is, nobody cares who wins halftime. Quit getting geeked up about
marching bands. I find it hard to believe you stood through your high school
band's entire halftime performance. And why? Cause nobody cared then and
nobody cares now. Plus, you can hear them fine sitting down even if you do
care. Why is it cool all of a sudden now that you're in college? Men should
never let out high pitched whooping sounds. Perhaps the only justifiable
situation in which this can be tolerated is perhaps during an anal probe. Oh
wait...I understand now.

Dogs are not ladies. They don't look or smell like ladies. Dogs eat
their own feces and should be treated accordingly.

Finally, College Station is an arm-pit of a town. Quit pretending
that it is a great college town. It is a town and there is a college there.
That should be the end of this comparison. If you feel that life doesn't get
any better than the Dixie Chicken, and enjoy being stuck in a never ending
"Dukes of Hazard" episode, then move there. More importantly, don't move to
Austin.....they are trying to create an educated, technological, and open
minded population base. Austin is, and will continue to be, the birthplace
and final resting place of all that is cool.

As my friend Stephen Johnson once said: "If the world were ever to
get an enema, College Station is where you would connect the hose." If you
go to school at A&M, please don't be an Aggie.

God Bless the Great State of Texas.