Zach

I hate Crocs. I really, really hate Crocs. Anyone who wears them should have 15 pounds of meat strapped tot hem and dropped off in the lion den at the local zoo. The reasons that Crocs are **** is endless but I will do my best to narrow the list down.
They may be patriotic but that does not make them acceptable. George Washington would cut your heart out with a tampon if he saw you wearing ***** **** like this.

Reason 1: What the **** are they made of? Who the hell had the idea to make shoes out of heated rubber and plastic meshed together by force? Or are they rubber? Are the both? I little insider tip: plastic and rubber do not make a shoe. They make a toy car. They make a kids shovel. They make a chair. They make a hammer. Hell they can make a gun. BUT, they do not make ****ing shoes. Remember that you dickstain!

Reason2: The Comfort Factor. Crocs are not comfortable. Do I know this firsthand? No. Do I know anyone that has worn them? Get that **** out of here! The simple fact that Crocs were ****ing up the feet of children due to the size and design of the shoe says two things: The shoes are ****ed up and that natural selection is in progress. Have you ever seen these stories on the news involving people getting their **** ****ed up by Crocs? Blisters, cuts, evictions, and bad tax write-offs. That **** never happens to us normal Americans. This goes to show that if you are 7 and you wear Crocs your toes will become food for the neighbors dog, and maybe the neighbor depending on where you live.

Reason3: "Style". Crocs look stupid. Actually, no, Crocs look like the demon ******* child of Air Force Ones and Rainbow Bright. I don't know if I spelled Rainbow Bright properly so suck it. Apparently the Crocs can be worn as sandals and flip flops. They also have boots, loafers, and slippers. HOW THE **** CAN YOU MAKE BOOTS OR LOAFERS OUT OF PLASTIC AND ELF SEMEN(Elf semen is the rubber)? There are Crocs made for hiking and there are Crocs made for going to the beach.
Sub-Note: The following are some types of Crocs and a brief description that are available for ****-muscles to buy:

Mammoth: They are slip on shoes with fur at the base of where the ankle would be. Who the **** would wear them when it is 30 degrees outside? Newsflash for the people that make Crocs: Plastic gets cold, too!

Cayman: Pretty much the original Croc shoe/sandal/chew toy. Anyone who owns them should throw themselves in front of a bus and see if the rubber makes them bounce.

Endeavor: It is a closed-toe variant of the **** sandwich that is the Cayman.

Hi Cruiser: It has laces! Rubber, plastic, and laces. Who the **** thought this would be a great idea?

Moving on to the biggest reason I hate Crocs.

Reason 4: People who actually buy Crocs. Is it me or are these people the biggest douchesacks in the country? They buy these hideous uncomfortable things they like to cal shoes and then they brag about how comfortable they are. There are only two people who will ever be allowed to brag about Crocs, assuming they had a pair. Ronald Reagan made the Soviet Union **** all over their pants, so he is good. And if the stories about Jesus are true, he went through a lot of **** in his last days so he can wear Crocs, too. I swear to God the Croc owners are almost as bad as MacBook owners. Seriously, I do not care about why you bought Crocs.

That is all I have for now, not my best work but if you don't like it you can come over to my room, blow me, and then do my job. In the mean time, remember, love may make the world go around but as long as you are paying $45 for a pair of Crocs, hell hath no fury like when I curb stomp your face.